The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Privacy Policy (Not Funny)

Update April 2009 - Privacy Policy

This website/blog uses third-party advertising companies to serve ads when visiting this site. These third parties may collect and use information (but not your name, address, email address, or telephone number) about your visits to this and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of interest to you. If you would like more information about this practice and to know your choices about not having this information used by these companies, you can visit Google's Advertising and Privacy page.

If you wish to opt out of Advertising companies tracking and tailoring advertisements to your surfing patterns you may do so at Network Advertising Initiative.

Google uses the Doubleclick DART cookie to serve ads across it's Adsense network and you can get further information regarding the DART cookie at Doubleclick as well as opt out options at Google's Privacy Center

Privacy

I respect your privacy and I am committed to safeguarding your privacy while online at this site jokevault.blogspot.com & jokewarehouse.blogspot.com The following discloses how I gather and disseminate information for this Blog.

RSS Feeds and Email Updates

If a user wishes to subscribe to my RSS Feeds or Email Updates (powered by Feedburner/Google), I ask for contact information such as name and email address. Users may opt-out of these communications at any time. Your personal information will never be sold or given to a third party. (You will never be spammed by me - ever)

Log Files and Stats

Like most blogging platforms I use log files, in this case Statcounter & Google Analytics. This stores information such as internet protocol (IP) addresses, browser type, internet service provider (ISP), referring, exit and visited pages, platform used, date/time stamp, track user’s movement in the whole, and gather broad demographic information for aggregate use. IP addresses etc. are not linked to personally identifiable information.

Cookies

A cookie is a piece of data stored on the user’s computer tied to information about the user. This blog doesn't use cookies. However, some of my business partners use cookies on this site (for example - advertisers). I can't access or control these cookies once the advertisers have set them.

Links

This Blog contains links to other sites. Please be aware that I am not responsible for the privacy practices of these other sites. I suggest my users to be aware of this when they leave this blog and to read the privacy statements of each and every site that collects personally identifiable information. This privacy statement applies solely to information collected by this Blog.

Advertisers

I use outside ad companies to display ads on this blog. These ads may contain cookies and are collected by the advertising companies and I do not have access to this information. I work with the following advertising companies: Google Adsense, Clixgalore, Commission Junction. Please check the advertisers websites for respective privacy policies.

Dog and Cat Diaries

The Diary of a Dog

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Diary of a Cat

It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I never the
less must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing
that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust
them, I vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The
audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe, for now.

Chain Letter Spoof

I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because
I can't. She is crying. (Don't cry, Mommy!) Mommy is always sad, but
she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she
didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that
anymore.

The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body.
It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an
artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors
said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or
insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more
money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I
said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always
gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her
real bad. I hope you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Van Nostrem from the
clinic said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with
AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers
from school children all over America and take them up to space so that
the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he
will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors.
The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able
to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors
make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the
astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my
leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's
OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't care about a
poor little boy with only a head. She says that, if you don't stew in the
raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow
horrible death so you can burn forever in the tar pits of hell. What kind
of goddamned person are you that you can't take five fucking minutes to
forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for
the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old
boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I
wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. One time I had a puppy
but he ate my leaves.

Thank You.

The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.

Terrorists disrupt Magabe swearing-in.

A policeman stops a motorist in the main street of Harare and asks for a donation.
"Terrorists have kidnapped Robert Mugabe and threaten to douse him in petrol and set him on fire unless their ransom demands are met," he says.
"I see, well how much are others giving?" asks the motorist.
"Usually around two to three litres," Replies the policeman.

The good life according to a programmer.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

Coodabeen Sporting Books

For AFL and Cricket fans Coodabeen books, has a great list of books which should have been published...

5. 'How to Win Friends & Influence People Volume 3", By Sam Newman

364 pages, the Twelfth in this 44-part series is a work in progress. Following the success of his ongoing bagging of his former club, Geelong, this latest edition features a foreward by Peter 'Crackers' Keenan about earning the respect of your peers.

Highlights: a chapter from guest author Wayne Carey on 'A Gentleman's Guide to Football Club Harmony'. A great chapter titled 'Weddings, Plumbers, Anything..' is particularly worthy of a read.

6. 'How to Win Games & Influence Results', by Hansie Cronje.

Foreward by Shane Warne & Mark Waugh