Monday, May 15, 2006

Australian Workplace Agreements



Hon Kev Andrew MP
Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations




SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DEATH CLAUSE
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if you can show that your death will not affect productivity.


Thank you for your support for this agreement. The Department of Worplace and Employee Relations is here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.