Things you will never hear your wife say

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

The new girl in my office is a stripper; I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again? Boo Yahhh!

It's only the third quarter; you should order a couple more pitchers.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day!

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's belly!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Yes! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You are so much smarter than my father.

Can we watch SportsCenter?

Honey, pull my finger!