Sunday, August 27, 2006

Laws of Cat Physics

1 - Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to
remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a
straight line, unless there is a really good reason
to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and
black sweaters attract white cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a
warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat;
all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a
distance proportional to the length of the nap just

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with
people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible
for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make its body
long enough to reach just about any countertop, that
has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate
at a constant rate, until it gets good and ready to

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must
attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's
resistance varies in direct proportion to a human's
desire for it to do something.

11 - First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know
that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will therefore use as little energy as possible.

12 - Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also
know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of

13 - Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat
watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.

14 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an
electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.

15 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will
always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

16 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes
in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.

17 - Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation
rises in direct proportion to its embarrassment times
the amount of human laughter.

18 - Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink its
weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

19 - Law of Furniture Replacement: A cats desire to
scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.

20 - Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in
the softest place possible.

21 - Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in
milk will displace its own volume, minus the amount of
milk consumed.

22 - Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level
will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him
(including laser light toys).

23 - Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat
has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

24 - Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can
hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, it can't
hear a simple command three feet away.

25 - Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a
given room will locate at points equidistant from each
other, and equidistant from the centre of the room.

26 - Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if
they can't see you, then you can't see them.

27 - Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat's mass
increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the
lap it occupies.

28 - Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle):
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is,
only the probability of where it "might" be. (Schrodinger was onto something here.)

29 - Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.